Apple Keynote Bingo


When to start

  1. You’ve been waiting for this all day. Sweaty palms. Slightly feverish. Repeatedly checking your bank balance - you can afford it, you tell yourself. Don’t start that TPS Report now, it can wait. Your boss won’t mind (unless he’s an Android user, in which case, cobble something together based on stuff that you’ve done previously - he’s blind to stuff like that. He’ll never notice.)
  2. When your Twitter feed goes mental with people saying that the Apple Store is down, this is your cue to Tweet that the Apple Store is down.
  3. Do whatever it is that you do to save your work. If you are in Windows, Ctrl + S usually does it, or Shift + F12, if you are a weirdo like me. For the Mac, your guess is as good as mine. Contort your hand into a strange crab shape in order to press the four key shortcut du jour that Apple has decided to implement in Snow Leopard/Lion/Mountain Lion/Tabby Cat.
  4. If you are on Pacific Time, get yourself a coffee. If you are in England, it’s almost 6pm. Get yourself an alcoholic drink. If you are in Scotland, you should already be drunk. Get yourself another drink, and why not open that second bottle of red wine to let it breathe.
  5. Your aim is information overload. First: social networks. Ensure that your Twitter app is open and notifications are enabled.
  6. Facebook is a tricky one. Probably not relevant to this particular game, but if you are feeling mischievous, go back about six months, and comment on an old post about something fairly mundane. The confusion that follows is a joy to behold. Commenting “What an ugly baby” on a newborn child is fun too.
  7. Open seven or eight live blogs – they will crash, so start with as many as you can. Make sure you have the Gizmodo one open, so you can once again laugh at how bitter they are that they haven’t been invited.
  8. Fire up your bingo card. You can refresh for a different selection of words, if you think you’ve been dealt a poor hand. It’s not cheating – I’ll never know. There’s more squares than ever before. Some of them are really funny. Why not just refresh until you’ve read them all anyway and then shut the thing down? I don’t care. There’s no adverts here. I’m not Gizmodo.

How to play

  1. Carefully check your Twitter stream/ stream/live blogs for the various keywords and events as indicated on your Apple Keynote Bingo card.
  2. As they appear, click on each, and laugh when you hear the sound-effect and grin at the graphical effect. You will do this a couple of times, before realising just how annoying it is. Then turn the sound off.
  3. Continue clicking on each keyword and event until all the boxes have been checked. If you want to play an abbreviated game, play until a line (horizontal, diagonal, vertical, or bezier) has been formed.
  4. Signify your successful completion of the game by issuing your own, verbal, wild “Eeep!”. If you are actually at the keynote speech and do this, I will love you forever. I repeat IF YOU ARE ACTUALLY AT THE KEYNOTE AND DO THIS, I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

After the Keynote has finished

  1. Ask yourself: do you want one? Do you need one? Is it sufficiently better than the one you have? Take time to consider your options.
  2. Then panic-pre-order whatever is announced – if there’s two of you, three of each of product is probably enough. You don’t need the one with the highest capacity. Buy it anyway. The one that is the very minor upgrade? You can wait until tomorrow for that one.
  3. Spend 45 minutes reading the same “hands-on” information on 20 different websites. Reading Daring Fireball is your cue to stop – there’s unlikely to be anything else worth reading.
  4. Then relax. Have a cigarette. How was it for you?
  5. Start the TPS Report.
tl;dr – take me to the Bingo!

Idea and words by @patrickhmason Built by @davidmoss Like this? Try Inspired by Apple and Trollem Ipsum