Apple Keynote Bingo

September 2017 Edition


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Apple Pay stats You get a Pro thing, You get a Pro thing, EVERYBODY GETS A PRO THING! 4K Apple TV is only actually 3.999K Beyond-acceptable pricing, magically justifying itself by Friday H*cking Brexit
“We love music, but you wouldn’t think so given this closing performance” Nice independent software maker totally undermined by a new feature Sir Jony Ive That moment when you didn‘t think you wanted one, but you really do Vague promises of innovation to come
Phil Schiller serves some Samsung- or Google-baiting shade “Partnership” FreeSpace A new app that looks OK, but nothing special Whatever, it’s still a square watch
Eddy Cue A tweet that just says “oooh” followed by a bunch of hashtags Apple’s lack of diversity manifests itself on stage once again Glimmers of hope that ARKit might actually have practical applications EXCRUCIATING third party demo
New, fairly dreary, feature gets ridiculous name (e.g. “Power Station”) HOW MUCH?!?!? Footage of pleasingly diverse (for Apple) employees in a glass meeting room Tim Cook’s thin, watery smile iPhone X (“The ‘X’ makes it sound cool”)

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